Building a Community of Single People

Consider the purpose of life. We wake each day with desires and drives that push us to act, but do those actions give life meaning? I would argue that most of our desires are not truly our own, and much of what we do is meaningless. If what we do is meaningless, then so too is our life, a conclusion no one wants to face.

The philosopher Arhur Schopenhauer observed  that if  the purpose of life is not suffering then we must be ill adapted for our world, and the Buddha taught that craving and clinging are the root of suffering. In both cases, the lesson is clear: desire is suffering and happiness requires freedom from desire. So, is a good life as simple as just wanting less?  Yes, sure most everything we want is junk, but there are many things we actually need.    

For instance, a job, care for children and elders, education, emergencies, and the passage into death, all these things are unavoidable. If we are wealthy enough, we can simply pay for these necessities, but can we trust we will be well served, and many of us cannot afford these needs.  So we build a community around us, friends and family support us, community is essential. But what if your family and friends are useless, or just horrible? 

What does desire have to do with being single and solitary?

History shows that even when we act with good intentions, humans often turn against each other. Lovers fall apart, families feud, even those once devoted sometimes descend into hatred.

This leads to a difficult claim:  Love is not the solution; it is the problem.
(Here I mean “love” as passion and possession, not empathy or compassion.)

Love can be a confusing word. It can mean warmth, devotion, or romance, but it is also bound up with jealousy, rivalry, and fear. In fact, love and hate often appear as two sides of the same coin. What is crucial to recognize is that love is not fully under our control. It is both mimetic and biological, a product of evolutionary forces that push us to compete, bond, and reproduce. Because it is rooted in instinct, it can be blind and lead us to suffering. If we want freedom, we must free ourselves from forces that move us like puppets.

So if you want to avoid suffering, then avoid falling in love. Better to replace “love” with empathy and compassion. Unlike love, empathy does not seek to possess, and compassion does not demand control. Imagine redefining love as “infinite pity and unconditional solidarity.”  To love, in this sense, is to respond to human fragility with mercy rather than judgment, to meet another's suffering with unending understanding.

Evolution helps explain why this redefinition is necessary. Human emotions arose as survival tools, shaped by the pressures of social living. As organisms grew more complex, so did their emotions: cooperation required empathy, group defense required loyalty, reproduction encouraged bonding. Over time, these forces produced the rich but often uncontrollable spectrum of emotions we now experience,  love, hate, guilt, joy. They are emergent behaviors, born from the biology behind evolution, not a conscious choice.

This means that much of what we feel is not our own. Our desires are mimetic: in other words, we imitate the wants of others. We compete because others compete, we crave because others crave. In this sense, most of our strongest motivations are borrowed from the tribe around us.

Once you see the absurdity of being ruled by desires that are not truly yours, solitude becomes valuable. Replace love with empathy and compassion, and release the need to possess anyone or anything. Even with children, teach them this lesson, to live freely without clinging.

You may want a wife, husband, or children, but these things will not bring lasting satisfaction. In truth, they often limit your freedom. As we grow and change, the people we once loved may no longer be the same. Many loving couples end up resenting each other. Sons and daughters can grow to despise their parents. The system we trusted to bring happiness often fails us.

Perhaps we should have learned to be alone, to enjoy the opportunities that are not driven by desire.

Value knowledge over lust. Evolve from instinct into awareness. Become self-assured, able to stand alone. See the beauty of nature, create, and experience reality without the burden of dependency.

Learn to enjoy solitude.

Yet solitude alone is not enough. We still need one another for support, care, and survival. The best way to live, then, is in a community of solitary individuals, all with a central focus, the quality of community.  Each one self-possessed, each free from the chains of possession and craving, yet bound together by empathy and compassion.

A community of solitude: this, I believe, is the highest form of life. This is the community we hope to build.